It has been 4 days that I never out from my room, yeah I keep skipping classes. Except last night went to ColdStorage forced by a buddy who left out his 300++ degree spec by a small Honda bike. He drove. I should consider I am lucky not lying in hospital bed or the worst square wooden case with my bandmates mourning me with metal song. Well I guess it is not my time yet.

Well it might considered as running through a hard time for my room ceiling fan that works for 24 a day non-stop. It still working, luckily. After watching final destination while having my Maggi instant noodle lunch or dinner, I had a scary hallucination that the fan will caught fire due to over heat and burnt me to death while I am sleeping. Dying in sleeps should consider as the best dying method as you won’t feel any pain and remain your eyes closed. Just make sure you won’t wake up the next morning. Same goes to something explode beside you, or inside you? You just splash and “wink” vanish into the thin cool breezing air…

And for my lovely PC, an appologise for you too. You work so hard just to serve me fun. You are one of the best things I ever owned by thicken my face to borrow money from my dad to get you back from Lowyat. Sorry daddy I am just a whore that always dig your hard earned money to have some fun.

I just feel numb. Nothing at all whether it is cold or hot or something else. I don’t care and don’t want to care. You get me? This kind of feeling and frustration is haunting me since when I don’t know. All I know this kind of disease is more powerful than emo-ing. I can still talk even I don’t want to, just to show some respect if you are the person that can get my respect of or although I smile even I hate you the most.

Every moment before I sleep, set the alarm is the first priority. Even the alarm tone is my lovely song or what. I manage to get up for sometimes but I just sit motionless on my bed turning off the alarm. I look around. It is dark. It is, even the sun shine upon. I sleep back, with closing eyes and many many weirdo dreams. The dreams are all about my sorrowful and wasted life I ever walked through. Nothing good is left. I know that’s the sins I made. Am I harvesting the sorrow like what Metallica sang?

I can’t feel. I can’t feel my blood still running. I can’t feel my heart is pumping. I don’t feel I am till breathing. I just can’t feel how warm I used to have before. Warm, is the meaning and sign of living except for cold blooded. Am I cold blood? I am like a snakes or lizard or some frogs…

Death is the words for this dark month. Everyone that I know or even I don’t are leaving. Those leaving are those with the biggest will to stay on. They just couldn’t. This is how the way death deal with humans, and animals too. Ironically, the one that typing now doesn’t have the will to live or going on is still alive. Well I guess this is why people still shouting for unfair of this cruel world. HE should took me away not she or he. They are so happy with their human journey…

Zombie

*****

不晓得为什么,为了什么,灰暗的世界变得黑漆漆了。 麻木了的神经已不能胡思乱想。空壳装着一个不完整且逐渐流失的灵魂。翻篇书,找不到一种解释。也许,本来就无法解释。

行尸走肉应该还不足已描叙。那是个鸡与鸡蛋的道理。懒惰,没力使你封闭在一个正方形的水泥墙里。然而封闭的小盒子使那颓废的症状加剧。不是说找不到门,只是病入膏肓,无力打开了。机会过了就过了,没什么好惋惜的。

世界上,本来就不公平。上帝不是奉行社会共产主义。

要活的人已死,要死的却还活着。。。

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